Grace in Weakness

I hate the word "weak". Especially in relation to me. I just hate it. But recently, I have realized that weak is a good word to describe myself.

Now before you go off on me for talking down about myself and anything else you want to say hear me out.

I have a disease with no cure.

My body uses double the energy for everyday activities as a healthy person.

I can't drive.

I struggle in college with a lighter load than most of my peers.

Some days I can't even get out of bed.

I cry almost every other day.
I am always at my doctor's office for tests and visits. 

By the world's standards, I am weak. In survival of the fittest, I would not make the cut. 

That's not me feeling sorry for myself, it's the honest truth. 

And that used to drive me INSANE. Regardless of my situation, I wanted to be seen as powerful, capable, strong. 

I selfishly prayed to the Father to take away my problems, for a healing. Not so that He would be glorified, but that I would be. 

But recently this verse has been popping up everywhere. And I mean everywhere. 

2 Corinthians 12:8-10 CEV
"Three times I begged the Lord to make this suffering go away. But he replied, “My gift of undeserved grace is all you need. My power is strongest when you are weak.” So if Christ keeps giving me his power, I will gladly brag about how weak I am. Yes, I am glad to be weak or insulted or mistreated or to have troubles and sufferings, if it is for Christ. Because when I am weak, I am strong."

His grace is made perfect in my weakness.

His grace is made PERFECT in my weakness.

It could be through my worldly weakness, He is making His grace known to others.

And if the Father wants to use my life as a vessel to make His grace evident, then I am honored to be weak.

Does this knowledge make my struggle any easier?
No.

Does knowing that the Father is using my struggles to bring others to Himself make it worth it? 
Yes. Always. 

What Life with Chronic Illness Has Taught Me

1. Plans change.
I'm a planner. No getting around it. I have a day planner that lives on my desk of my bedroom filled with homework due dates, important events and all sort of everyday reminders. I live to plan. But plans change, and there is nothing wrong with that.  This is especially true for those with chronic illness. My plans and dreams five years ago, preDysautonomia look much, much different than my plans today. Often our plans are replaced by the Father's plans and just between you and me, even though I usually fight it, I would much prefer His.

2. Baths are your friends.
Okay, so this one is a little silly, but bear with me! Almost every day I take a bath, not because I am a clean-freak but because it makes me stop working, relax and do something for myself for a few minutes. Whether it is to cry, read your bible, listen to music or absolutely nothing, it is so important to have that daily time to relax and recharge.

3. You are not your illness.

We, as a whole, love to label. Short, brunette, middle-class, educated, sick... all labels, But labels are not who we are. I am not my labels and I am definitely not my sickness.

4. Time is precious.
Learning that your future looks much different than you expected changes your perspective on many things, including time. Once unlimited, time begins to look limited and honestly, that's the scariest part. But because of the changed perspective regarding time, you learn to value every moment. Instead of putting off dreams or adventures, I've learned to live in the moment. That's right. This planner is becoming spontaneous.

5. You will lose friends.
This is a hard one. People I thought were my friends began to fade away when things became hard and girls I thought had my back were the ones spreading the rumors that I was pretending I was sick for attention. But honestly, were those people ever my friends in the first place? No. The people who were are the ones who are standing by me today. The ones who stuck to my side when I pushed away and loved me through every appointment, every test and every day- good and bad. 

6. It's okay to not be okay.
This is the hardest one. You don't have to be a hero every day.

Life with Dysautonomia

Throughout my blog, I will be talking about POTS and Dysautonomia, so here is a quick rundown of the disease!

In the Fall of 2014, I was diagnosed with a form of Dysautonomia called Hyperadrenergic Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia.

What is it?
Dysautonomia is a form of neuropathy that affects the nerves that carry information from the brain and spinal cord to various organs throughout the body. My specific form of Dysautonomia, Hyperadrenergic Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia or HyperPOTS, is very rare and not much information is known about it. What we do know is that it is thought to be a genetic disorder passed from mother to child and comes from an excess of adrenaline in the body.

What does it look like?
For the most part, I look like any other person. I wear a medical alert bracelet on my left wrist and sometimes use a wheelchair if I need it.

What does it feel like?
To put it in a word: tired. Fatigue is a major side effect along with syncope (fainting), migraine headaches, anxiety. difficulty in digestion, difficulty in adapting to different temperature, heart palpitations and tremors.

To learn more, click here!